206354-new-year-party

Rock Island, IL

You can actually hear the federal coffers expanding with all that increased revenue from the tax-cut extensions. Everywhere you look altruistic rich people (but I repeat myself!) are floating their wealth, creating scads of well-paying domestic jobs, and making it possible for moms to stay at home to promote such family values as greed, which leads to wealth, which begets charity.

Is it any wonder that a 7 and 9 team is heading to the playoffs as an NFL conference champion—with home-field advantage in the first round? We are living in amazing times.

And the new Congress. I mean, ’nuff said—though it bears repeating that, what with Mitch McConnell’s having The Party’s the country’s best interests firmly and publicly at heart, it is morning in America once again. Thank God. And God bless America.

Yes indeed. The year of our Lord 2011 is looking mighty promising. I’m as sanguine as Eeyore on the Eve of St. Lucy’s. I could almost expect the writing skills of the average undergraduate male to move up two whole levels. Look out, fourth graders!

Meantime, all those great things that will keep the greatest nation on earth great—I’m talking about the amazing technological breakthroughs now on the horizon (which is the utopiest of all utopias)—will cease being theoretical and become actual, because they will. Here in America there’s no such thing as a problem that isn’t a technological problem.

Take wind. Any day now you will see wind power building wind turbines. You’ll see wind power transporting wind turbine components down the highway. And you’ll see wind power erecting, repairing, and replacing wind turbines. Next up: wind power maintaining our Interstate Highway and Defense System. Wind-powered cranes. Bulldozers. The mind boggles.

Or take that great fund of organic capital: topsoil. Right now scientists are waging a two-front war on topsoil erosion. On the one front they are figuring out how to harvest topsoil from the mouths of rivers and haul it back to Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, Illinois, and the White House vegetable garden. Their efforts will allow us to continue to farm as we were evolved to: by keeping as many people as possible off the farm and by doing no work.

(True, the efforts of these scientists assume a steady supply of cheap oil. But remember the advances made in wind power.)

On the other front scientists are inventing topsoil in laboratories. Huge quantities of it. Topsoil by the test tubes. Come Bowl Season 2011, we’ll be eating plenty. Count on it. Doritos aren’t going away any time soon.

Or take the moral, intellectual, and civic capital of the nation, built up over time and kept in store for such lean times as some benighted folk think we’re living in now. That we have been writing checks against these funds while contributing nothing to them is a Chicken-Little scare-tactic perpetrated by a bunch of over-educated hairshirts. I instance this moron Deneen and his pals Mitchell and Kauffman, who desecrate the Internet with anti-progressive virtue-claptrap cloaked in family-community-localist bullroar. Not a one of them owns a Wii. Not a one of them knows the truth about American history. They couldn’t begin to care about the rockets’ red glare.

Attention Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: our moral, intellectual, and civic capital is robust. He-llo-oh! We’re solvent. Look around you. Kids everywhere are more tolerant than ever. What does that tell you?

What I’m saying is that two-thousand eleven is going to be awesome. First of all, oil prices are going to drop, because we live in the land of Lowest Prices Always. And, as a result, production of light trucks and SUVs is going to rise. The streets of Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, and Miami are going to get all the four-wheel-drive vehicles they need. Rest assured and bring on the snow.

Second, Congress, in accordance with its mission, is going to quit caring about health. Americans don’t need health insurance because they are already healthy. Fully 75% of all Americans have enough fat stored on their persons to survive almost any famine the loss of topsoil can precipitate. So don’t anyone worry about socialism when it comes to health care. We’re good to go. We should just keep enlarging our assets by driving our Escalades down the streets and highways (and, if necessary, by occasionally walking down the corn-dog-vendored sidewalks) that were built, and are currently maintained, not by social but by private enterprise.

Third, we’re going to put a man on Mars. W. said it. McCain repeated it. Palin—as soon as her Family-Values party prevails upon her to lower her neck-line—will promise it. And then, obviously, we’ll have it. And any nation that can put a man on Mars can do anything, because it can.

Look. We put a man on the moon and then managed to come up with tolerable decaffeinated coffee. If we can put a man on Mars, Jetsons here we come. No one will ever have to do anything ever again.

Fourth, the economy is going to recover Big Time. Growth, spending. Spending, growth. Even more people are going to get by without doing anything but swiping plastic—and thereby helping their country. This skill, which Americans first learn at home and then pay their colleges and universities to certify, will carry them into the future, which, as we all know, is the best place to be.

My fellow Americans, make it your New Year’s Resolution to click your heels three times and say, “There’s no place like the future.” Trust me. I’ve been there. And be the Best Global Citizen You Can Be in 2011.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar Patrick J. Deneen January 5, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Peters is a downer. He should spend less time walking to work and more time actually tuning in to the cutting edge of American culture. He should start by checking out this awesome preview of America’s next great reality show (from the network that brought us “The Real World” and “Jersey Shore”), an uplifting tale about the innocent and lovable foibles of today’s youth. http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/603722/skins-extended-trailer.jhtml

The future looks great. Everything REALLY IS getting better. So don’t listen to him. Listen to MTV.

avatar John Médaille January 5, 2011 at 3:27 pm

And here I was thinking that no network could surpass Fox for promoting family values. How wrong I was.

avatar Jonathan January 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm

“…will carry them into the future, which, as we all know, is the best place to be.”

Love it, Peters! Keep up the good work!

avatar Emily January 5, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Don’t know what you’re so upset about, JP. The Seahawks are paving the way for 6 and 10 teams. Think what that could mean for the Lions…in the future!

avatar D.W. Sabin January 6, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Things have never been right in this world since my old black dog Bucket-Head et my stuffed Eeyore and ma and pa hid the remains from me so’s I couldn’t give him a proper burial. Wikipedia mistakenly characterizes my long-lost totem as “anhedonic”. Eeyore felt a lot of pleasure and comfort in gloom. I never trust a damned thing on that site anyhow.

avatar Roger Stuart January 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I went to the link you posted and after viewing the trailor to Skins I read the comments which were very revealing about the audiance. Here is just a sample.

“Ok I see Everyone Point The Uk Skins is Way Better Why turn the Gay Guy in To a Lesbean Girl on The US Skins I Mean They Could Have Added a Les Girl and Kept The Gay Guy or If The Gay Guy was Bi Makes The Show a Little Hotter Anywho Why is The Show Just Like The UK Version” could The Not Come Up With Their Own Ideals I’ll Give The Show a Chance,But UK Skins is The Champ on Being More Racy

avatar Elgee33 January 7, 2011 at 10:31 pm

I didn’t know the truth could be so funny.

avatar sean o January 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Pangloss was obviously speaking of the great and getting better America that started with St. Ronald Reagan our greatest President until our great regular guy President W. made us forget about Ronnie.

2011 sounds so great I can hardly wait for ’12.

avatar sean o January 10, 2011 at 9:15 pm

It’s hard to do satire anymore.

avatar Cynthia Denton Wineburgh January 14, 2011 at 6:00 pm

I LOVE this! Can I send it to my new senator, Dan Coats? I’m sure he will like TOTALLY agree! All those negative creeps – they’re just envious. Get a life, losers! It’s morning in America – again! Outsourcing is the best, privatization always saves money, and those contractors – gee, they never overcharge the US government or pull anything fishy – ever!

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