Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence

Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence

is the Very Best Artificial Intelligence

for All Pain Psychic and Bodily!

Our Patented Artificial Intelligence Cures Toothaches, Hangnails, Frostbites, Independent Thought, and Early Decay!

Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Alleviates Unwanted Body Smells, Climate Change Concern, and Every Species of Pestiferous Work Attachment!

Say Goodbye to the Burden of the Free Exercise of the Moral Sense!

Say Goodbye to the Cumbersome Messiness of Democracy!

Say Goodbye to the Vicious Stress of Composing Eulogies, Wedding Toasts, Sunday Sermons, and Softcentered Lilylivered Poems for Your Dithery Wife!

Say Goodbye to the Abuse of Having to Pick Up the Living Room, the Satanocracy of Doing the Laundry and Maintaining Magazine Subscriptions, and the Other Heinous Drudgeries of this Mortal Coil!

A Genie that Can Grant Any Wish, the Redeemer of all Sorrows, the Ancient of Days 2.0, Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Possesses Peerless Healing Powers and Relieves the Most Mulish Constipation Instantaneously!

Cancer, Diabetes, Piles, Anal Fissures, Low IQ, Premature Balding, Age-Appropriate Balding, Internal Complaints, Gonad Slumps, Anxiety, Loneliness, Suicidal Ideation, Gullibility, and a Natural Death of Two Days Standing: Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Bests Them All!

Remember: All Roads Lead to AI Accelerationism! Don’t Be Caught Flatfooted!

Don’t Stand in the Way of Historic Abundance, Unstaunchable Joy, Unbridled Hilarity, Salvific Ease, Inviolable Cleanliness, and Supernumerary Leisure!

Hug Your Local Data Center!

And Don’t Fret: Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Will Not Necessitate the Immediate Destruction of Our Holy Earth of Which We Are an Indivisible Part!

It’s Not Doomsday—It’s Boomsday!

Okay, We Partially Walk that Statement Back! It Seems We’ve Got a Few Sticky Wickets and Entropic Dynamics On Our Hands! Sure, the Data Center “Death Stars” Poison the Air and Soil; Devour Dwindling Water Supplies; Maul Shrinking Wild Places; Demand Unfathomably Large Quantities of Energy (It Appears that Our Death Stars Are “The Largest Points of Consumption of Electricity in History”—Yikes!); Drive Human Beings to Vertigo, Nausea, Sleeplessness, and Despair with their Ceaseless Noise; and Generally Brutalize American Communities! Sure, Not Much Unites Americans These Days But Resistance to AI, Especially Its Death Stars and, Sure, We’re Getting Local Politicians—A Government Of, By, and For the People Be Chopped to Flinders and Tossed to Perdition!—to Sign Non-Disclosure Agreements, Which Prevent These Politicians from Discussing the Rapidly Multiplying Death Stars With the People Greatly Affected Whom the Politicians Work For and Represent! Sure, Power Companies Are Using Eminent Domain to Seize Privately Owned Farmland to Build the Energy Infrastructure for the Multiplying Death Stars in a Greed-Crazed Land Run, in a Massive Plundering Expedition by the Morbidly Wealthy for the Morbidly Wealthy at the Expense of You, Me, Our Kids, and Mother Earth!

Okay, We Get It! Apparently It Irks Americans to Have Their Leg Pissed On and Be Told It’s Raining!

So Let Us Be Clear Once and For All! Let Facts Be Submitted to a Candid World!

America, It is Not Raining! No! That is Piss!

America, We Are Pissing All Over Your Leg!

And While We’re Micturating On You Immoderately, You’re Bleeding in the Checkout Lines and Struggling to Pay Your Electricity Bills Which Our Death Stars Have Jacked the Hell Up!

We Get It! We Hear You! Seems this Country of Ours Has One Foot in the Grave and the Other on a Digital Banana Peel!

But Don’t Forget: Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Can Help You Make a Video of Your Boss as Hulk Hogan Pulling Off a Triple Jump Moonsault and Then a Top Rope Elbow Drop, Which You Can Text to Your Boss to Earn Soul-Crushing Brownie Points First Thing in the Morning on National Boss Appreciation Day!

(Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke It, Mister DoGooder Man!)

Furthermore, Smash-and-Grab, Slash-and-Burn Resource Wars Actually Liberate Oppressed Peoples and Spread American Freedoms! Remember: Up is Down, Water is Dry, and War is the Health of the State!

Flourishing and Secure Resource Supply Chains; Increased “Military Operations” in Service of the Expansion of Expansion, Periodically Accompanied by Accidentally Bombed Girls’ Schools; Lethal Robot Dogs; the Proliferation of Methods of Surveillance; the Proliferation of Bioweapons; Autonomous Drones Heeding AI Kill Lists; and a Surreally Macho, Relentlessly Spasmodic, Luridly Incoherent “Fuck-Around-and-Find-Out” Foreign Policy Cavalierly Exacerbating Worldwide Pandemonium: These Seamlessly Comprise What’s Been Aptly Termed

“Pax Silica”!

Moreover, Nuclear Energy Saves!

Yes, You Heard Us Right!

Silicon Svengali Says

Bring Back Nuclear!

Not Only is Nuclear

The Munificent Thaumaturgic Fountainhead,

It is Gentle as the Rose-Petal Breath of a Baby Fairy’s Yawn!

And the Beauty of Our Mysterious Holy Earth, By the Way, Is Only Invoked by Those with Reality Privilege! Don’t Let the Beauty-Intimate Oppress You with Their Life-Love! Fight the Power!

The Earth’s “Beauty” Has Also Been Greatly Exaggerated and Likely Is Another Nefarious Tactic of the Chinese PSYOP!

Chinaman Don’t Want Americaman Build More Data Centers! Chinaman Want Americaman Go BANANAS (Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything)! Chinaman Want Be Numero Uno! Chinaman Know “Beauty” Is Sand in the Gears! Chinaman, He Put Good Ole Uncle Sam in His Sights! Chinaman Want Americaman Abdicate Tech Supremacy!

Silicon Svengali Says Stand Down Chinaman!

And Make No Mistake: Only Simpy Saps, Boofheaded Ninyhammers, and Longfingered Winklepickers Are Stunned by the Mysterious Beauty of Existence! Only Walleyed Hairybacked Musksullied Huskyvoiced Hidescraping Fuliginous Man-Children Exalt the Earth! Only Barbarous Orgiasts, Sworn Irrationalists, Goatfooted Vulgarians, and the Shamelessly Corporeal Reverence Reality! Praise of Creation is an Evolutionarily Inexpedient Atavistic Inheritance of the Wicked-Pious Cave Dweller! Away with Such Superstitious Primitivism! Curses on Awe for the Actual!

In Fact, There Is No Holy Mystery!

Research Has Shown in Consistent Data Sets that Obtain Across all Variables that Everything Is Actually Very Commonplace!

Foremost Experts Agree: The World is No Longer Charged With the Grandeur of God!

That’s Right! Authoritative Peer-Reviewed Research that Is Supported Firmly by Countless Longitudinal Studies Indicates Every Last Thing Is Undeniably Meh!

Birds Migrating by Starlight? Coral Reefs? The Mississippi Delta Blues? The Evening Bells of Barcelona? The Four Rain-Colored Wings of the Dragonfly? Summer Hail Falling on an Abandoned Lighthouse? A Blue Whale’s Spindrift? The Glazed Joy of Breakfast After a Wedding? The Empty Nest in the Cottonwood Filling with Snow? The Fragrance of Alfalfa Stacked in a Barn? Children Playing in a Fountain? Dawn? Cinnamon? Underground Rivers? Blueberries the Color of Thunder? The Honey of Corsica? Nina Simone’s Voice? An Old Cairo Poet Playing His Oud with the Skin-End of a Feather? The Barn Owl Flying Over Your House At Night Wearing Its Mask of a Thousand Silences?

—Yawn!

Aren’t You Over Such Vast Tedium Yet?

Aren’t You Ready for The Rocketship?

(Yay! The Rocketship!)

Aren’t You Fed Up with Society, Moldy Things, and Copulation?

Plus, You Have Every Reason to Trust Us at Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence!

We Have 150 IQs and Our Own Podcasts!

And A Few of Us Have Done Really Solid TED Talks!

Further, Many of Us Reliably Use the Phrases “Nonzero Chance” and “Inflection Point”!

(Inflection Point! Woot Woot!)

And Some of Us Did Important Work in Service of Our Country like Create Paypal!

(Paypal in Da House!)

And Though We Live in an Age of Global Ecological Disruption and Mass Extinctions and Though the Implications of the Death Stars that Fire Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Could Scarcely Be More Disturbing, Signifying as They Do the Grotesque Acceleration of the Disruption and Extinctions, and Though Our Artificial Intelligence Could Not Only Usher in an Era of Depersonalization Unequalled in Human History But Ultimately Kill Us All, Every Last One, We Do Not Refrain from Developing and Selling Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Because (Drum Roll Please!) We Stand To Make Incomprehensibly Large Sums of Money!

(Booyakasha!)

And If the Bubble Bursts, We Stand to Lose Incomprehensibly Large Sums of Money!

(Weaksauce! Thumbs Down! Boo!)

In Other Words, You Have No Choice! The Train Has Left the Station! The Genie is Out of the Bottle! The Future is Here!

The Universal Law of Declared Inevitability Reigns!

Some Americans Quaintly Say: “There is No Inevitability As Long as There is a Willingness to Contemplate What is Happening.” We Say: “Don’t Fall for Luddite Purity Dreams, Toxic Idealism, and all that Free Will Fiddle Faddle!” Cultivating a Deep Sense of Personal Responsibility for the Children and Future Generations Will Only Leave Us Vulnerable to Chinaman! And Please Remember: Broad Societal Forces Cannot Be Shaped, Only Managed! Empirical Research Citing Multiple Scholars in Leading-Edge Journals Demonstrates that “Free Will” is Actually Illusory Anyways! So Don’t Tie Yourself in Knots!

Plus, We Mustn’t Hurt the Economy, Silly! Some of Us Gotta Lotta Chedda Ridin’ on this Bet!

And Don’t Forget: Your Precious Retirement Savings Are Now Vulnerably Entangled with Us, Invested as They Are in Various Tech Stocks!

(Uh-Oh!)

So Carefully Repeat After Me: Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Will Sell Like Hotcakes and Is Here to Stay! Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Will Sell Like Hotcakes and Is Here to Stay! Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Will Sell Like Hotcakes and Is Here to Stay!

And Don’t You Want a Cure for Cancer or Are You Another Unlawful Anti-Tech Extremist?

(Behind Me, Satan!)

Possible Side Effects of Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence (Possible Side Effects Which Some of You Still Curiously Ignore) Include: the Binding and Riveting of Digital Chains Upon Our Children; Cognitive Surrender; Mass Unemployment; Deaths of Despair; the Dictatorship of a Technology in Delirium; and the Progressive Thinning of Planetary Life!

And Even Though We, the Technology’s Creators, Repeatedly Remind You All of Our Own Technology’s Capacity for Horrifying Harm, Even Seemingly Condemning Our Own Creations, Some of You Berate Others of You for Expressing Skepticism of Our Technology! (Technophobe! Cassandra!—Hilarious!) Others of You, Meanwhile, Refrain from Saying Anything At All in Fear of Violating Intellectual Decorum! (Only the Gauchely Unsophisticated and Lumberingly Impolitic Actually Say Anything Definite and Take a Stand!) Meanwhile, Others of You Are So Devoted to the Religion of “Scientific Progress” that to Doubt Technology is to Commit a Sin!

These Collective Habits Not Only Speak to the Profound Disorientation of Our Time, to Our Crisis of Meaning, They’re Positively Propitious for Our Burgeoning Bank Accounts!

(Cha-ching!)

But Don’t Fret Too Much! Don’t Live Your Life from a Place of Fear! We Got This! Remember the Printing Press? The Automobile? The Television? The Internet? We Survived All Those Inventions! Right? Let Things Run Their Course! That’s What All The Great Americans Did! Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Henry David Thoreau, Harriet Tubman, Woody Guthrie, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rachel Carson, Abraham Heschel, Thomas Merton, Daniel Ellsberg, Joanna Macy, Wendell Berry: What Is Their Legacy to Us? Never Consider An Action That Could Possibly Imperil Your Retirement Savings or Social Standing and Always Let Things Run Their Course! You Can’t Stop the Waves, They Would Remind Us, But You Can Learn How to Ride Them! (Surf’s Up!)

And If We at Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Don’t In Fact “Got This” (As We Actually Often Assert and Which Some of You Still Curiously Ignore), and Should It All Go South (As We Sometimes Predict and Which Some of You Still Curiously Ignore), Apparently the Robots Will Succeed Us Splendidly!

(Yay! The Robots!)

And Perhaps a Few of Us Will Be Able to Escape the Mishegoss in the Nick of Time and Start Over on Mars, Even Though Mars is Not At All Suited For Human Life!

“Yes, AI —As One of Us at Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence Recently Said— “Will Most Likely, Sort of, Lead to the End of the World, But in the Meantime There Will Be Great Companies Created with Serious Machine Learning.”

(Great Companies! Machine Learning!—Woot Woot!)

Regardless of What Unfolds, We Have Deluxe, Fully Loaded, Turnkey Doomsday Bunkers in Kauai Standing By! Those Bunkers Will Come in Handy During the End Times! (Isn’t It Interesting that So Many of Us Have Doomsday Bunkers? Just Think About That For a Moment—Take a Moment Right Now, As You Read This Long Advertisement for Silicon Svengali’s Artificial Intelligence, and Ponder Carefully Such a Fact: It’s Almost As If We Know That We Are Courting Cataclysm! It’s Almost As If We Know You All Might Finally Wake Up and Be a Tad Cross with Us!)

(Thumbs Down on Being Cross with Us! Boo! Whatever Happens, Please Don’t Let Our Misbehavior Inspire the “Solidarity of the Shaken” and Become the Focus of Understandable Populist Outrage!)

Do Not Wake, You Who Sleep, and Do Not Arise from the Dead!

Do Not Turn this Crisis into an Opportunity to Come Together as a Country—Blue, Red, Purple—in Service of Desperately Needed Healing!

Please Hold Onto Division with Your Teeth! Please Cleave Close to the Baneful Effects of the Spirit of Party, to the Old Political Categories that No Longer Serve Us! Please Don’t Realize that the Society-Sponsored Prejudice that is Partisan Hatred is an Impediment to Addressing the Root of Our Unwellness! Please Stop That!

Please Don’t Remember that We Humans Are Custodians of the Image of the Human and that 77% of Americans Think Artificial Intelligence is a Fundamental Threat to the Human. Ignore Our Loudly Public Crises of Conscience, Which Arguably Are Cries for Help, During Which We Remarkably, Appallingly, and Chillingly Provide Percentages for the Chances of AI-Caused Human Extinction. Please Don’t Think Us Far From Shore, Not Waving But Drowning.

Please Don’t Believe that A Leaf of Grass is No Less Than the Journeywork of the Stars. Please Don’t Believe in the Summer’s Last Trumpet Splashing Onto the Street. Please Don’t Believe in the Plain Divine Facts, in the Night in Which the Corn Grows, How Even the Poorest Earthly Thing Shines. Do Not Look for the Kingdom of God, Here, Here, and Here, Now, Now, and Now. You Must Stop That. Happiness is for Another Place, Another Time. Do Not Commit the Psychic Treason of This-Worldly Reverence. Do Not Get Down On Your Knees. Do Not Stay Up with Your Friends, Making Music. Do Not Make Love Outside Under the Oaks and Clouds. You Will Not Enjoy It. You Will Not Hear the Finches Flying Across Her Eyes. And Do Not Tend the Little Altars—the Little Altars that Are Everywhere.

Please Don’t Buy that All Men and Women Are Created Equal, that We Are Endowed by Our Creator with Certain Unalienable Rights, and that Just Governments Derive Their Powers from the Consent of the Governed. Do Not Contemplate the Meaning of Such Corny Words. Save that Hoary Abstract Claptrap for History Class. Forget that Loyalty Demands Dissent. Prefer Slavery with Quiet, to Freedom with Unquiet. Remember: Democracy Never Lasts that Long Anyways, and You Won’t Miss It When It’s Gone.

Let Go of A Deep Sense of Personal Responsibility for the Children and Grandchildren. Forget that They Are Our Sacred Trust. Laugh at the Very Idea of Such Sappy Blather. Put Out of Mind Future Generations Whose Path We Daily Prepare. Banish the Thought. Forget the Wound That Is Your Love. Such a Wound is a Pathology, Which Our Product Can Helpfully Eradicate. Do Not Enlarge Your Sense of Fellowship to Include All Living Things—the Animals, the Plants—With Whom We Share this Earth and Without Whom We Cannot Live. Forget that They Too Love the Sweetness of Life.

Please Don’t Revise Your Definition of Progress, Revise Your Definition of the American Dream, Revise Your Consciousness. Please Don’t Attempt to See the Hidden Assumptions that Guide Our Lives. Please Don’t Have the Courage to Do the Opposite of Everyone Else.

And Please Don’t Ever Put Down These Screens. You Cannot Drop Out of Data World, Out of the Great American Smartphone Society. It’s Not Realistic. In Fact, It’s Impossible. You Have a Job, Remember? And What If Your Car Breaks Down on the Highway? And Give Your Kid a Smartphone, Too. Smartphones Are Good for Children. They Provide the Protection of the Herd. Keep Scrolling. Keep Wiling Away the Die-Away Hours. Stay Inside the Glow. That is Your Home Now. That is Where You Are Safest. Stay Saturated. Stay Glutted. Stay Under the Anesthesia of Stimulation. Do Not Suspect Your Days to Be Numbered. Do Not Suspect Your Days to be Gods. And Avoid Stillness. At All Costs, Avoid Stillness to Best Defend Against Being Flooded By Emotion—Especially Bewilderment, Terror, Grief, Humility, Gratitude, and Awe.

Some Say that an Organism that Kills Its Environment, Kills Itself. That is Gratuitous Nonsense. You Know That. Please Accept the Maximum of Physical Devastation Accompanied by the Minimum of Human Meaning. Please Accept the Denial of Free Will Which Is Involved in the Dogma of Inevitable Progress. Support Us as We Continue to Apply Technological Solutions to Spiritual Problems.

Do Not Interrupt This Blind Momentum. Do Not Make of Your Life a Counter-Friction to Stop the Machine. No. That Is Not Your Job. That Is Not Your Role. Please Don’t Refuse Us and Boycott Us and Peacefully Resist Us. Please Don’t Block the Data Centers, Without Which None of This Will Work.

“A Moment May Come, a Word Can Be Spoken, and Both You and All Your Splendor Will Collapse.”

Do Not Let that Moment Come. No One Speak the Word.