There are in these recent days at least three matters of great importance confronting my beloved land, The Assimilated Provinces of Megalomerica. They are related to one another. Indeed they must be related to one another, because in the APM, nothing is private, nothing is personal, nothing is parochial, nothing is local.
The first is that the Stupid Party seems poised to take over the Senate from the Evil Party. The Senate was named by our fore-parents for the Roman “senatus,” literally a gathering of old men. There are, however, no more old men in the APM. There are, rather, males who take synthetic hormones to power the winch, and who buy sophisticated exercise equipment to sculpt their inguinal muscles. They follow the advice of King Henry to his boon companion, Falstaff: Make less thy belly hence, and more thine abs. There are plenty of old females in the APM, touchy, meddlesome, cranky, and sour; many of these are genotypically female as well. One of them, barring a tornado in Kansas, may well end up being elected Resident, or, as some of her friends hope and her enemies fear, Queen. Some people indulge themselves in the fond dream that the Stupid Party will do a better job running the APM than has the Evil Party; it is like expecting that the merest flicker of a brain will change the dinosaur utterly, and keep it from doing what a dinosaur will do. Nevertheless, I am eager to welcome the news during the Octave of Election, that stupidity will have triumphed over evil. For I am a man of hope.
The second is that the Religion of Reductive Totalitarianism, With Turbans, threatens to sweep like wildfire over the lands of the Religion of Reductive Totalitarianism, Without Turbans. It is necessary to distinguish carefully between these two very different faiths. For the devotees of the Religion of Reductive Totalitarianism, With Turbans, the religion is the civil law. For the devotees of the Religion of Reductive Totalitarianism, Without Turbans, the civil law is the religion. The devotees of the Religion of Reductive Totalitarianism, With Turbans, believe that God may do what He pleases, even evil. The devotees of the Religion of Reductive Totalitarianism, Without Turbans, believe that Man may do what He pleases, even evil. The Sansturbanites are amiable, and will tolerate everything that they believe in; the Conturbanites are belligerent, and will not tolerate anything unless they believe in it. The Conturbanites want the world under one government, theirs, while the Sansturbanites want the world under one government, theirs. The worst of the Sansturbanites will suck out the brains of small children a-borning; the worst of the Conturbanites prefer to excise the entire head much later. All sensible people, of course, are pulling for the Sansturbanites to curb the Conturbanites, so that the world will be safe for Reductive Totalitarianism, rather than being subject to Reductive Totalitarianism.
The third is that there is a virus going around. The virus kills people. The Assimilated Provinces of Megalomerica had established, about a decade ago, a Viro-Czar, to protect public health by long-approved measures, such as granting a half a million dollars to find out why chimpanzees throw things. Now the rule of life in the APM is that enough is never enough. So, after having invited the virus into the APM, but only on the condition that it behave itself like a good resident alien and not go around infecting people, the old Viro-Czar has had to be superseded by a Megaloviro-Czar. This new Caesar Caesarum has had plenty of experience in these matters, having spent a whole year passing out cigars to customers coming out of a porn shop, and another year working for the election of his boss, the current Resident. People have grown suspicious of the incompetence of the Resident and the Evil Party, believing that something as vast as the Assimilated Provinces of Megalomerica, they that once shot a man to the moon, should surely be able to stamp out something as teeny as a virus. Why should there be gaps in the Great Safety Net? Why should the pimple on the flea on the hair on the wart on the frog on the bump on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea escape the notice of the All-Seeing and All-Powerful Resident, and his friends in the Evil Party?
All these things are related, as I say, because everyone knows that Megalopolitics Solves Everything. If you are out of work, if your nose is stuffed, if your underpants are soiled, if your dog snarls at you, if you are stupid because you have read no good books, if you are evil because you have read no Good Book, if you are ninety years old and can’t get any girls, if you are a girl who thinks she’s a boy, or a peasant who thinks he’s the King of Siam, then you should call your nearest Megalopolitician, and Get Something Done. This is especially true for single females, because, as everyone knows, there are no differences between females and males.
So we are waiting to see what will happen. Will mendacity win out over incompetence? Will the dinosaur lurch to the left or the right?
Will its brain be the size of a chickpea, or a chokecherry? Will we be proletarians or serfs? Will we be free for debauchery? Will we obey a vast bureaucracy with the power to garnish our wages and seize our homes? Or will we submit to the whip? Will our music be atonal grunting, or will it be atonal yodeling? Will a man’s home be his medieval dungeon, or will it be his modern cell?
The moment of decision draws near.